Love … And The Willingness To Accept It
By Rev. Vic Fuhrman, MSC, RM
One of my all-time favorite songs is Justin Hayward's "Question" from the Moody Blues album "Question of Balance" (Threshold Records, 1970). This song is an anthem for anyone who has ever been on a spiritual path, seeking the answers to life's "unanswerable" questions. There is a soft refrain in the middle of the song where Hayward makes a profound statement:
"And when you stop and think about it,
You won't believe it's true,
That all the love you've been giving,
Has all been meant for you."
How many of us "care-givers" give ourselves the same care, consideration and love that we give others?
If it is true that what we are giving is what we desire for ourselves, why are we so hesitant to accept? This is a life lesson that I have personally struggled with since my childhood.
As a boy growing up in the fifties and sixties, the early message that I received or perceived was that you were loved based upon your performance or attractiveness.
I never felt physically attractive as I was overweight and "nerdy". However, if you did well in school, worked hard, completed your chores and behaved in a socially accepted manner, you were loved. This was the key to receiving adoration and attention from parents, family and other "adults". But along the way, at least for me, there was another message.
My father took ill early in my life and I became part of his "care-giver" team along with my mother. This established a new relationship between us and in the process we became very close. I never really felt loved by father until that time. The connection that became wired in my psyche was that love was based on giving, fixing and taking care. I became an excellent care-giver and felt loved.
Then, he passed away.
It took me almost thirty years to process his transition. In that time, I unconsciously sought out ties that would replicate my relationship with my father. (A spiritual aside: my Hebrew name is Avi which means "my father".) My failed first marriage, business relationships, friendships and even spiritual associations were based on what I could do, give or fix for the other and not on who I really was as a human being and eternal soul. Somewhere along the way, self-worth and self-love were lost. Why should I be loved or liked or cared for just for who I am?
I'm grateful that a number of wonderful teachers and friends came into my life and empowered me to find that worth and love in myself. The lessons were hard learned but worth it. In the process, I had to break away from those people and places that engendered the old ways in me, but what I found was peace of mind, centering and a stronger soul connection to spirit.
I still enjoy sharing the gifts that spirit has bestowed upon me but I share them because I can and not because I feel I have to for acceptance and love.
I also now seek out friends who nurture, energetically share and love based on inner, eternal truths and not physical attributes or performance. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say the love I'm giving is the love I'm receiving. It feels good and right and honest--and I am worthy to receive it!
© 2007 Rev. Vic Fuhrman